Introduction
The Javanese are very hospitable, friendly people. While staying in a Javanese household, be mindful that you'll be treated with utmost care and respect, and be given the best on offer in terms of food and bedding. However, sometimes the ways in which Javanese people perceive being a good host may differ a little from what you're used to. Below are a several points on Javanese host culture which you might not expect, or may not know how to handle when they arise.
The Welcome
1. Shoes.
Take off your shoes before you enter the house. Sometimes your guest might say don't bother, but unless they explicitly say that, always take off your shoes.
2. Shaking Hands.
This one is a little tricky, because the Javanese use a mixture of different hand-shaking techniques. Sometimes you will be able to shake hands with your hosts in a Western way, which people will often follow with touching their heart with their right hand. Sometimes you will find your hand being clasped between both of theirs, with the expectation that you clasp their hand as well. Kind of like a four-hand sandwich. Sometimes you'll see your friend or a younger person touching the hand of someone older to their forehead. This one is a mark of respect for elders. Very rarely you'll find that as a girl, a man won't shake your hand, and vice-versa. Don't be offended if this happens, because some Muslims believe that you shouldn't touch anyone of the opposite sex that is not your wife or your family. Just retract your hand and smile or nod your head. The best advice I can give in regards to how to shake hands is to follow whatever your friend, or other people being greeted, do.
3. Gifts.
Generally I don't think it's expected to bring gifts when you are visiting a family, however it doesn't hurt to bring some souvenirs from your country, or some oleh-oleh (souvenir-type snacks) from the city you've come from.
4. Initial Conversation.
The second you arrive, after meeting everyone in the house, you'll probably be ushered into a sitting room and given drinks and snacks. It is polite to drink and eat these. You'll probably also be quizzed mercilessly on almost every detail of your life, beginning with where you come from and what you study, to whether you have a partner, and regardless of the answer, why you don't have an Indonesian partner. Don't expect to be able to turn the conversation around and likewise quiz your hosts, and don't be surprised at the often personal nature of some of the questions.
Sleeping Arrangements
5. Going to Sleep and Waking Up.
While you are staying with your Javanese hosts, do not expect to get what some would consider a good night's sleep. You'll probably be expected to stay up late talking with your friend and the family, and as the Javanese tend to wake up at ungodly hours like 4am for breakfast and prayer, don't be surprised if you only get 4 hours sleep a night. If you really need to sleep, try your hardest to excuse yourself early in the night.
6. The Bed
Often when staying with Javanese hosts, you might find yourself sleeping in a very nice bed while the person whose room it is has been turfed out onto a mattress or into someone else's room. Try if you like to protest or offer to sleep on the mattress, but more often than not you won't win and will end up in the nicest bed at someone else's expense.
7. The Bed Cover
Many Javanese beds simply have a bottom sheet, and a few pillows. Beds rarely have a second sheet on top, and only sometimes will there be a cover. Although every house is different, just to be sure you have something to cover yourself with at night, particularly if it's cool or there are mosquitoes, make sure you bring a sarong or a small blanket of your own.
Bathing
8. Towels
Bring your own towel. Several times I've stayed at someone's house, and asked to borrow a towel, and have been met with strange looks. In fact, after staying at a house in Bandung with no towel, my friends felt so sorry for me after I asked to borrow one, that they went out and bought me one of my very own. While it might be normal back home to be given a towel by your hosts, this probably won't happen here in Java. So, to save yourself an awkward situation, bring your own towel.
9. The Mandi
Most people who've been in Indonesia for a while should be familiar with the mandi bathing system. Only the very rich here have showers, let alone hot showers. Just in case though, a bak mandi is a cubic segment built into the wall of your average Javanese bathroom, which is filled with water. You use a gayung - a plastic scoop - to douse yourself with water. In case anyone is confused, you don't put anything, including yourself, into the bak mandi. A word of warning: bak mandi are usually filled with cold water. Finally, it is general practice to wear a pair of thongs when bathing, or going to the toilet. Don't be alarmed if a pair of your thongs goes missing only to turn up very soon afterwards. Javanese people often borrow each others' thongs to wear to the bathroom.
10. Frequency
Many Indonesians, Javanese included, have a preconception that bule (white people) don't bathe enough. Comparatively, there is probably a lot of truth in this. Particularly for people who come from Australia, where we've grown up with droughts and water restrictions, one shower or bath a day is generally considered sufficient; particularly if you haven't played sport or gotten actually dirty. In Indonesia however, where you can work up a sweat just by standing still, people bathe at least twice a day. Those more religious people will wash their hands, feet and face every time before prayer. So, again based on experience, if you want to avoid someone saying with surprise "aren't you going to bathe??", have a mandi in the morning and in the evening - and when you arrive after travelling. Even if it's just a cursory wash.
11. The Toilet
Most Javanese households are equipped with a squat toilet. Again, only the very rich here will have a Western toilet. In terms of logistics, well, that's something you'll have to get the hang of yourself. I will advise, however, that you bring your own toilet paper or tissues because otherwise you'll be stuck with just a hose or a mandi bucket. Don't flush these, but put them into a rubbish bin in the vicinity of the toilet. Flushing squat toilets is done by ladling water from the mandi or a bucket of water provided into the toilet until everything is gone.
Eating
12. Eating at Home
If your hosts have prepared you a meal, it is polite to eat it all. Not eating your meal will make your hosts think that you don't like it. Even if you actually don't like it, you should try your best to eat it gratefully because often your hosts will have gone out of their way to put together their best fare for you - even if their own resources aren't that ample. Of course, if you are allergic to something they've made you, then you should explain and avoid that dish. Although there's not much gluten or milk in Javanese cooking, sometimes you'll find peanuts or peanut oil and seafood. Also, most Javanese will be very understanding if you can't handle too much chili, and probably will laugh at you if you find things too spicy. Much of Javanese food is oily, sugary and spicy - and on occasion you may find yourself served with parts of an animal you'd rather not eat. Just do your best.
13. Eating Out
Sometimes your Javanese host will take you out for dinner rather than eat with you at home. If this is the case, don't expect to be allowed to pay for your meal. Offer as much as you like, but it's unlikely that you'll be allowed. Javanese like to treat their guests like royalty, and this extends to outside the house.
Activities
14. Going sightseeing.
Expect to be taken out to see some of the local tourist attractions, especially if you're in a different city or village. Be warned, some of these will take all day to get to and from, and many Javanese tourist attractions are full of Javanese tourists. It is very possible that you might inadvertently become the main attraction, with many people staring and taking your photo. Although, if you are with a big group of Javanese, this is more unlikely than if you were with a group of bule. If you do end up going out to see something, expect to leave early in the morning, spend most of the time travelling or stopping for food, spending only long enough at the destination to take photos, and to come back late in the evening. Here is a good opportunity also to offer to chip in for petrol.
15. Spare Time.
You won't have any spare time, unless you make some when you could be sleeping. Javanese culture is such that people do everything with at least one friend, and usually in groups. People will think they are doing you a disservice if they are leaving you alone to your own devices. Javanese people often find Western independence, particularly in girls, baffling, and most figure, why would you do something on your own if you could do it with friends. If you find yourself needing some alone time, particularly after long bouts of questioning, or travelling in a car, try to excuse yourself early to bed saying you're tired, or take a long mandi, or take a personal day after you get back from your visit.
So that's the end of Hari's Guide to Being a Javanese Guest. I hope it was helpful! If you have any questions or additions, please comment below or facebook me or something and I'll get back to you and incorporate it if I can.
